Episodes
Monday Apr 11, 2016
Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Deep Impact
Monday Apr 11, 2016
Monday Apr 11, 2016
Creamguide(Films) rockets (!) back...to the future! with the very singularity of puzzlingly shit disaster epics: 1998's DEEP IMPACT.
Help Craig and Jack talk Chris down from a towering inferno of bafflement that has spanned two decades while they mix up Michael Biehn and Jurgen Prochnow and argue over the jelly tots on empire biscuits. There's swearing, comedy fart noises and sheer rage in a film whose ineptitude is so big only the biggest of the big screens can do it justice.
THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'R'
CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a timely CATASTROPHE!
Monday Mar 28, 2016
Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Watership Down
Monday Mar 28, 2016
Monday Mar 28, 2016
Grab your giant carrot and take to the TISWAS stage as Chris, Craig, Jack and the Easter bonnet herself Rose sit trembling at the sheer unadulterated horror that is the rabbit version of Passchendaele: WATERSHIP DOWN from 1978. Thrill to the sounds of the Barry Manilow beat as the bunnies rip each other to pieces. And a Happy Easter!
THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'R'
CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a vision of DISASTER!
Friday Mar 25, 2016
Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Friday Mar 25, 2016
Friday Mar 25, 2016
Come with TVC...and you'll be...in a world of imaginative swearing! Join Chris, Craig, Jack as they discuss the massively popular 1971 mittel European weirdo General Foods advert WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY in the company of returning actually-useful contributor Rose. Ponder the sheer wonderment of Gene Wilder's hair as you turn the commentary on as the ident appears and enjoy.
THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'AA'
CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with an Easter rabbitapocalypse
Sunday Dec 20, 2015
Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: The Box of Delights (3/3)
Sunday Dec 20, 2015
Sunday Dec 20, 2015
THE BOX OF DELIGHTS III: THE REVENGE
It's CHRISTMAS! And here to tap and unwrap is the final instalment of Chris, Craig and Jack talking a load of hoary old bobbins while THE BOX OF DELIGHTS plays in the background. We suggest it is the perfect accompaniment to any number of cliches about peeling sprouts and will most certainly be preferable to 'jokes' about Willesden on Radio 2. So it's a Merry Christmas from us and a Happy New Year from them. Goodnight!
THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'AA'
SPOILERS: Creamguide(Films) will be back! Back! BACK! in February with some more hoary old bobbins.
Sunday Dec 13, 2015
Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: The Box of Delights (2/3)
Sunday Dec 13, 2015
Sunday Dec 13, 2015
THE BOX OF DELIGHTS II: RISE OF THE ROBOTS
It's the second part of three of six covering three and four with five and six to come in three. Once again join Chris, Craig and Jack as they talk over, around but not necessarily about THE BOX OF DELIGHTS. Once again press play at the wolfy eyes and neck a posset.THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'AA'
SPOILERS: the mystery and terror of the box are hard centres
Creamguide(Films) REVERSE FAQ:
1. That being Wednesday 21st November 1984;2. She is in fact from (West) Belfast and the petition is here: https://www.change.org/p/belfast-city-council-magenta-statue-for-belfast
3. Merlin of the Crystal Cave was 1991;
4. Maid Marian and Her Merry Men ran from 1989 to 1994 and 26 (count 'em!) episodes;
5. That was Nicky Croydon;
6. 1986;
7. Shot at close range with a .357 Magnum;
8. Maybe 'worthy' was the wrong word. We'll stick with 'interesting';
9. Doc Morrissey;
10. St Ronan's Preparatory School. Now defunct. Amazingly.;
11. Naturally though you would return it to a gentle heat or it won't be anything but lukewarm milk with raw egg in it: FACT;
12. Sing Lofty: Thoughts of a Gemini. 4 1/2 stars on Amazon! (no copies available);
13. Joanna Dukes, she was Tiddler in 30 episodes of Press Gang from 1989 to 1993;
14. She was alright in Watching;
Next week: Creamguide(Films) will be back with part three of three next week!
Sunday Dec 06, 2015
Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: The Box of Delights (1/3)
Sunday Dec 06, 2015
Sunday Dec 06, 2015
THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'AA'
Sunday Nov 29, 2015
Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Lifeforce
Sunday Nov 29, 2015
Sunday Nov 29, 2015
THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'A'
2) This was the first of his three picture deal with Cannon;
3) Colin Wilson thought it was the worst film version of a novel ever made, it says here;
4) The Stuntman, basically;
5) No, he isn't;
6) Tom Atkins;
7) Brian Marsh;
8) Joe Claro;
9) 80;
10) Freddie and Max;
11) Actually, he was a newsreader for the BBC between 1968 and 1973;
12) Albert Hague, wrote four Broadway musicals and the score for 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas' but not 'Starmaker'
13) We actually meant Jack Warden. But Jack Warner works as well;
14) 'thanatology' θanəˈtɒlədʒi/ noun - "the scientific study of death and the practices associated with it, including the study of the needs of the terminally ill and their families";
15) Top 50 dramas and it was No.16 actually, in between Six a Feet Under and Smiley's People. But since Six a feet Under was above Smiley's People the list is clearly a pile of shite;
16) We were getting confused with the Australian films featured in the documentary feature 'Not Quite Hollywood' by the same guy which is also great;
17) Great as Aubrey is, that was meant to be Ronald Lacey;
18) 1986 - 1989;
19) Still wasn't;
20) Nope;
21) He isn't;
22) That was actually meant to be Johnny Sconney Gielguid. Turned out they couldn't afford him;
23) 1987 - 1994;
24) No he isn't but he was in The Mallens;
25) Nope, nothing to do with him. Good play, mind;
26) It might actually be Elstree;
27) He was;
Monday Nov 23, 2015
Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: The Five Doctors
Monday Nov 23, 2015
Monday Nov 23, 2015
To Creamguide(Films) would go, must choose above, between, below. Join
Chris, Craig and Proper Fan Jack as they wallow in the majesty of the
greatest Doctor Who story ever told (oh yes it is): THE FIVE DOCTORS.
And on the 32nd anniversary of its UK broadcast which, after all, is the
big one! Turn it on as Hartnell appears and join in the sweary mockery
of a programme so dear to so many generations.
THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'A'
SPOILERS: Jack is a Proper Fan
1. On the Chicago PBS station WTTW and various other PBS stations on 23 November 1983. We imagine no one shouted "We're number 1!" at those affiliate meetings like Faye Dunaway in NETWORK
2. 25th November over here. Where the people who actually paid for it live
3. Doesn't exactly happen all the time but they still put special previews and stuff on at Comic-Con in America before we get them which is all wrong
4. It was shown on BBC One, one part a night between 14 August and 17 August 1984 at 6:15 p.m.
5. 1981 episode "Assassin"
6. And the only story with all the footage, out takes etc. still extant in broadcast quality
7. 7.7m viewers
8. 65 at this point
9. She was meant to be in it but the divorce put the mockers on that
10. And represented McGann when he got the gig
11. Which was the cliffhanger (ho ho) for one of the serialised episodes
12. VHS release was in 1985
13. The 'Lifestyle' department
14. If there is this is out of sync
15. This section was MOGGED
16. Or is it a bit of pineapple?
17. They're all on Gallifrey, actually. 'Proper Fan'
18. DOCTOR WHO: CYBERMEN. Keep it in mind for Christmas, Proper Fans!
19. What constitutes a Proper Fan (apparently): 1) into Doctor Who by aged 8, 2) stayed loyal through the wilderness years, 3) know who Alister Pearson, David Burton and Gary Leigh are*
20. Keith Hodiak. Also in the telly Lion, Witch and Wardrobe which is quite a double
21. Virtual Murder was 1992
22. He wasn't available apparently
23. Knightmare was 1987 onwards
24. Actually it was 1994
25. And the Doctors Latimer did indeed kick off in 1983
26. Released on VHS in 1985
27. And this was the first DVD release, in 1999
28. Made a bit of an arse explaining that. What we meant was that when Tennant says to Sarah Jane in School Reunion that he has regenerated half a dozen times since they last met, it was only five at that point (Baker, McCoy, McGann, Ecclestone, Tennant) cos she met Peter Davison in this. It's six now cos of Hurt but that didn't count then. Oh no it didn't.
29. Neverwhere was 1996. Sir Lenworth was not attached
30. It says here Charles Gray was offered The Role Of Rassilon
31. It says here it's only 'jokingly' referred to as the Flavia Theme. By whom we have no idea.
*(Creamguide(Films) has no idea who these people are)
Creamguide(Films) will be back with a superlative adventure shot from a Cannon.
Sunday Nov 15, 2015
Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Alien3
Sunday Nov 15, 2015
Sunday Nov 15, 2015
It's time to go back into space for an interstellar adventure - but unfortunately not INTERSTELLAR- with Creamguide(Films) as Chris, Craig and Martin canter through David Fincher's 'troubled production (copyright everyone) ALIEN3. Listen as they drop profanities, trot out wobbly analysis and ridicule Gorden Kaye's tragic accident.
Sunday Nov 08, 2015
Creamguide(Films) Commentaries: Prometheus
Sunday Nov 08, 2015
Sunday Nov 08, 2015
Back with even more shouting and in-jokes - and taking combination swearing to dangerous new levels - join Chris, Craig, Martin, Jack and Rose for a raucous roller-coaster ride of profanity and derision so big, only the biggest of the big screens can do it justice. Yes, 'Sir' Riddler Scott's monumental Alien sequel (prequel?) PROMETHEUS. Please check for level before playing just as the ident fades away.