TV Cream Audible offerings from

October 24, 2016  

It's double trouble this time as Chris, Craig and Jack visit all the places Michael Winner had mates who let him film in their gaffs in order to make the superlative BULLSEYE from 1990. Marvel at the sheer artistry displayed by an imaginative director who knew what he wanted but never had the faintest idea how to achieve and wonder at Michael 'Two Oscars' Caine's 'American' accent. On the pub scoreboard of film criticism it is a definitive BULLSEYE...when what you actually needed was a double 3.


CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with some spooky business and some terrifying technology!

October 10, 2016  

Ever said 'films ain't what they used to be'? Well, here's proof! John Chris, Craig and Jack as they suffer through the truly execrable RUN FOR YOUR WIFE from 2011. In the unlikely event you have a copy of this monster flop don't bother watching along with the panel; it's not worth it. It really is that bad. Indeed, there's probably a joke to be made about running for your life instead but we really can't be arsed thinking of it. Still, the commentary is fun! Honest! 


CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with some ramshackle nonsense which is a real Winner!

September 26, 2016  

Hiya pals! It's the second part of our 1982 scary double as Chris, Craig and Jack dive into George the Aero's excellent portmanteau offering CREEPSHOW. Join in by arguing furiously with your near neighbours but then agree on how great Leslie Nielsen was then spend the rest of the day mothering over wilfully obscure TV shows. It's easy! As usual, kick in as the ident moves on and enjoy. However, watch out for a Stilogean interjection near the top of the shop.  You'll know it when you hear it. 



1) Jack Kamen did the comic book in the film and the poster but we don't know who did the intertitle illustrations. Fans?
2) Viveca Lindfors
3) It isn't though
4) And in a Creamguide(Films) commentaries/James Joyce/Romero/King mashup, the old man comes back to life cos the nurse from Legion spills whiskey on the grave
5) Nigel Patrick we really meant
6) Which is ironic cos we can't remember watching it
7) Quarter is '48 and Trio is a biscuit
8) Rosanna Arquette
9) And brilliantly he had the fart machine on set for this
10) 27th December 1987. Other guests include Jon P'twee smelling of bums
11) 2010 and he was 84 having been born in 1926 in Regina in Canada and not BALDIMORE
12) We meant Joe Pilato. The only film we've seen Piscopo in is Wise Guys. In which he taught no one how to laugh.
13) Nigel le Vaillant. See! Twats.
14) "Dangerfield is a British drama series which focuses on the activities of small town doctor and police surgeon Paul Dangerfield, played by Nigel Le Vaillant. Six series of the programme were produced, broadcasting from 27 January 1995 until 19 November 1999." It says here.
15) John Michie and Millicent Martin. Millicent Martin?
16) Not father and son though; judge and convict
17) Fucking look it up yourself
18) Michu Meszaros who in fact was inside the puppet. Paul Fusco who did the voice is still alive
19) Dead
20) 'Drat' is from W.C. Fields, non-swearing-swearing fact fans
21) Not dead
22) Vote Clinton
23) Howell Granger
24) Nigel Farrell. A Place in France. 2002
CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a cinematic disaster of Brexit proportions!
September 12, 2016  
And we're back in the room! Be afraid, be very afraid. On the Internet, no one can hear you scream. Anyway, come over to the other side with Chris, Craig and Jack down in the Valley for Spieleydrawer's seminal horror bobbins from 1982: POLTERGEIST. It's got everything! Impressions, bottles of ginger, ethnic misunderstanding, swearing about old shops and the triumphant return of Grant Brady: Hair Like a Lady. Kick it on after the ident and 'enjoy.'

SPOILERS: Jack's Stone Roses impression is rubbish



1) US telly (NTSC) had 525 lines, proper telly (PAL over here) had 625
2) E Buzz (the name, not the dog) came from Saturday Night Live. Which probably means it wasn't funny.
3) The other E.T. crossover is that Drew Barrymore auditioned for this and as a result got the gig in E.T.
4) Both her and Heather O'Rourke (spoilers!) are buried in the same cemetery
5) He also has a poster for something called Super Bowl XXIII which wouldn't take place for several years later. No one cares. He has an Atari too. In 1982!
6) A Guy Named Joe, 1943
7) 'Reagan: The Man, The Cunt' is available from Jonathan Cape
8) The clown doll is in Planet Hollywood in Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. Also horrific.
9) I have now. It's ace.
10) We did. Coming soon.
11) Yep.
12) Love it so much got the name wrong: it's James Lipton.
13) Bouillon de Culture. For fuck's sake. It ran for ten years. Hence Brexit.
14) That's Gene Shalit. Book and film critic for the Today Show from 1970 to 2010. And...he's still alive! Aged 90 and still being ace in NYC.
15) "Eet ees an event sociologique!" Hence Brexit.
16) And based on chat in the film, she had her first kid at 16. Oh aye.
17) From 1989.
18) Spielberg was scared shitless as a kid by clowns and a tree that was outside his house. But he DID NOT DIRECT THIS FILM. Ahem.
19) The house is in Simi Valley California, it's not missing and is still there and in fact, it says here, the same family still live there (not the Freelings.)
20) That is probably bollocks (hard to believe) but James Cameron and Peter Jackson prefer the term "extended edition" or "special edition." Or especially in Cameron's case for his latter efforts: "shit version."
21) It lost to E.T.
22) Although remember it took some time after the US release for it to hit theatres in Britain. Those were the days, kids.
23) 'A Growl and a Shout' is available from Hodder & Stoughton.
24) By this logic, the house would have to disappear into an empty plot behind it.
25) 5 minutes and 2 seconds. Still a record. Hence Brexit.
26) This was the last scene to be filmed. Whatever that matters.
27) Brian Gibson. But he had nowt to do with this one. The cinematographer for this was Matthew F Leonetti.
28) The great James Karen.
29) Cohagen WILL return.
30) August 5th, 1981 (we recorded this ages ago.)
31) He did say 'well' a lot.
32) He sure is. 87, folks.
33) From 1989. She does have other credits, including several episodes of the epic Santa Barbara.
34) We went. And we saw her. Oh my.
35) Carl Weathers didn't turn up
36) Unfortunately there isn't going to be another one because this one didn't make 'enough' money. Schmucks.
37) Though it's worth noting the only character who dies is the Tweety the canary.
38) 11 months to the day: 12th October, limited scope anniversary fans.
39) Apparently, this was the only scene Heather O'Rourke got scared during the filming of.
40) I checked. It's there in the credits of my VHS copy

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with more spookiness ... in parts!

September 5, 2016  

In the spring of 2016, TV Cream sat down with Johnny Ball to talk about his 50-year career in show business. 

In this one-off podcast Johnny Ball really does reveal all. Such as...

How Bob Monkhouse took umbrage when he thought Johnny was stealing his gags; how Johnny's big break on The Val Doonican Show went spectacularly wrong; why he originally balked at the idea of presenting Play School; how a dreadful experience on Yorkshire TV spawned the creation of Think of a Number; the reason why the scene dock doors in BBC Bristol have a chunk cut out of them; why Play Away became a more lucrative writing gig than anything the LE department had to offer; Johnny's ill-fated sojourn to Central Television; and - and! - what went wrong on The Terry & Gaby show!

August 29, 2016  

It's the last in our triple-pack of summer holiday fillers (think of this undertaking as a kind of 8:15 From Manchester). And the set-up couldn't be simpler! Two fat-necked residents of 'TVC Towers' come together to discuss two TV programmes. But neither knows what show the other is about to make them watch! OMG!

This week's episode includes: A Willo the Wisp frieze and a big platter of salmon.

August 22, 2016  

The second of three podcasts from TV Cream to brighten summer holiday mornings. As before, two 'great friends' from TVC convene to discuss a couple of TV shows that they just watched. But which? Neither knows what programme the other is about to air...

This week's episode includes: Habitat self-assembly shelving and a man having his hair cut at home.

August 15, 2016  

A new three-part summer holiday filler from TV Cream! In this endeavour, two TVC pals sit down to talk about two shows... which they've just watched. However, the high concept here is that neither person knows what programme the other is about to show them.

This week's episode includes: A mounted stick-mic and un-replumped cushions on a banquette.

June 13, 2016  
CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES dives back 25 years to Kinnock's Britain with the searing indictment of casual suits that is Bleasdale's seminal G.B.H. It's just the last episode though, so listen carefully as Chris, Craig and Jack struggle manfully to remember what goes on around that scene where Bill Webster batters folk. Turn it on as the titles kick in and sing along to Jesus Wants Me for a Talbot Sunbeam. 


CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with an adventure born in space

May 30, 2016  

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES is back! Back! BACK! And it's about fucking time too. Join Chris, Craig and Jack in an adventure in Rosemary and Thyme (or Bramwell) as they pick over the DOCTOR WHO TV MOVIE from 1996 - on the very anniversary of its UK transmission - in fine style stopping off to hear from commentary regulars Father Lionel Fanthorpe, Michael Caine and Bob Mills (or Keith Richards) with special guest references to Patsy Byrne and Len Kabasinski: together at last! It's the DVD version that kicks in straight off the bat. So press play from the off and enjoy some barely relevant chat that is at least half human.


SPOILERS: He isn't


1) 14th May, 1996
2) He's been in lots of stuff, all of it shit. Except late period Brush Strokes when it got miserable and an episode of Boon which was always great
3) We preferred Dr Quim
4) Just over 9m
5) Southend, as it goes
6) He's a Canadian comedian. Quite successful, surprisingly. We imagine he shouts a lot
7) It was indeed simply called 'John Sessions' from 1990
8) It was Patsy Byrne!
9) Couple of other TV movies; Catherine the Great and The One that Got Away
10) Diana Weston
11) Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose from 1995
12) Luis Silverado. It also featured Richard 'don't mention the dog' Todd, John 'Q' Bluthal, Enn 'de Bargos' Reitel, Hywel 'Tarr' Bennett, Paddie 'Alfred Marks' O'Neill, Helen 'Naked Video' Lederer, Ron 'Pod's dad' Donachie, A Taste of Dora Bryan, Judi Spiers, Bernard 'sandwich' Bresslaw and a further constellation of stars no one but we remember
13) Vortex is a very thick bleach

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a day of the great British holiday.


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